Story Notes:All spelling, punctuation, and grammatical errors are Ezra's.
Cent. 9 Irail, 3274 LY
Yesterday me and Kanan went base scouting again. We found a small planet (it was really nice too, it had water and a good atmosphere) but the inquisitors showed up right when we were on our way back to the Phantom. We stopped them before they could destroy the engine and strand us there. They did some damage to it, but it could still fly. If it couldn’t, we never would have been able to get away from them. Even though we gave them our best, we still had to run in the end.
We DID get to try out that new force hopping idea I came up with. It worked pretty good. I always like the feeling of Kanan’s force lifting me up. Like the first time he caught me when I fell off the Ghost. This was back when he first started training me. One second I was falling to my death, then the next thing I knew, this warm feeling came over me and I knew everything was gonna be ok. Even tho I was still falling! Any second I was gonna hit the ground and go SPLAT!, but all of a sudden I stopped falling and I started to actually FLOAT UP through the clouds, and when I looked up and saw Kanan standing on the hull (he was just a sila sillowet shadow outline against the sun), I knew where that warm feeling had come from. I knew he had me and he wasn’t gonna let anything happen to me. And whenever he uses the Force on me, HIS force (because I can feel his signature, I’d know it anywhere), I always remember that first time when he caught me.
I can’t believe it was 2 whole years ago. I was still 14 then, a total brat! Anyway, back to the story.
In the middle of the fight, I got knocked like 20 meters backward into a tree, and Kanan jumped in to distract them and they ended up ganging up on him. By the time I got up again and ran to help him, he had already been injured. One of them swiped his chest plate with their lightsaber and gave him this huge cut across his chest. The armor took the worst of it, but his shirt was ripped open and I could see blood. It was still steaming. (Not gonna lie, that kinda shook me up. I’ve never seen Kanan get an actual flesh wound.) I think he was more pissed off than hurt because he went onto them with a vengence. (Hey Imp’s: DON’T get Kanan Jarrus mad. He WILL tear you apart.)
Well… he didn’t really get a chance to tear them apart this time. But I’m sure he would have. He shouted at me to use our hopping trick, but on THEM, and we both force blasted those sleemoes so hard they went rolling down a really steep rocky ditch. (Kanan says it’s not Jedi-like to wish harm on people, but the Inquisitors are kriffing EVIL and I hope it hurt. I hope the 7th sister kissed a boulder going 5 kph. She creeps me out.) Anyway, that was when we made our escape.
Kanan let me fly the Phantom and make the jump into hyperspace. (He’s letting me do a lot more now. Maybe it’s because he knows I have to learn at some point, and better now than later. Especially if these stupid inquisitors keep following us around.) When we were safe in hyperspace, I went back to check on him. This is the whole reason I’m writing about this, because I really can’t talk to anyone about this, not Sabine or Zeb or even Ahsoka, and she (Ahsoka) would probably be the only person I COULD talk to about this because she might know what it’s like between masters and padawans. Maybe this thing happened all the time back when the order was still around.
I guess I better explain myself, huh?
Lately Starting last year For awhile now I’ve been getting these wierd (not bad wierd, but strange) feelings whenever I think of Kanan. I really like him. I mean…..I love him, he’s my teacher and master and this bizzare combination of father/brother/friend to me, I don’t really know how to describe it. But there’s also something more.
I think I might be IN love with him.
I’ve had crushes before (like Sabine, who was just the COOLEST person I had ever seen in my life when we first met, and I’d never met a Mandolorian before…..and there was Jai Kell at the academy, but I haven’t seen him since we all busted out. I hope him and his Mom are doing ok,) but these feelings I have for Kanan are something……way different. It’s not like a happy little puppy love thing like what I felt with Sabine and Jai. This feels serious, like what grown up’s talk about. Like something deep inside me is just burning to be close to him…I dunno. And it’s not just because he’s a Jedi and really awesome and caring (and REALLY good looking) and all that. It’s so much more than the outside stuff. That’s not even important to me. That’s how I know this is different. Sabine was/is beautiful and Jai was really cute and funny, but this isn’t about appearances or personalities at all. This is like…..something I feel in our bond, the one me and Kanan have through the Force.
Anyway, I went back into the back of the Phantom to check on Kanan, and he had taken his shirt off and was getting the emergency med kit down from one of the overheads. I’ve never seen him with his shirt off, and I just froze up because he looked….. I don’t even know how to write this down. Maybe I can’t. He just looked good. To me. He’s not super ripped or anything, but he’s got some muscle on him (I guess he’d have to. Not like he just sits around watching the holo and eating space waffles all the time) and holy KRIFF is his chest hairy. He even has hair on his belly, but it kinda thins out into this upside down triangle shape as it goes down toward his bellybutton. I saw his happy trail, too. His trousers sit kinda low and he’s got those lines in his hips, I don’t know what they’re called, but all the really hot guys I see in holozines and posters have them. They form this V shape that goes right down to their D. I think my face was 10000 degrees at this point.
Haha, I said this wasn’t about looks like 2 pages ago, and here I am literally drooling over my own master. I think love makes people go stupid in the head.
Well, we didn’t have any bacta patches, so he asked me to come over and help him disinfect the cut (I dunno why, I thought lightsaber cuts were clean but I guess he had bits of burnt shirt in it or something) and wrap it up with gauze until we got back to Phoenix squadron and could get some real medical attention.
So I got out the gauze and the pads while he opened up the disinfectant gel, and we sat really close to one another (so close I could feel his breath and smell his sweat, I was trying real hard not to get….well, HARD, but I was sort of already halfway there anyway.)
Sidenote: I REALLY need to get some new clothes. I think I’m outgrowing this jumpsuit, it’s really getting tight.
So there we were, sitting in front of each other, smearing the gel onto his cut, and then, on total accident, we both finished at the same time and looked up at each other. Our eyes met and we both just stared, and I swear I wanted to…… do things that I’ve never done before with/to another guy. I was SO ready. If he had kissed me, I (would have probably died, honestly) would have kissed him back without hesitating, even though I’ve never kissed anyone before. If he had asked me if I wanted to…you know, DO IT…I probably would have jumped on top of him. I just wanted him so bad it was making me dizzy.
But the worst thing was, I let my guard down. Kanan used to tell me I was one of the most guarded people he had ever met, aside from himself. We’re alot alike, I think, me and Kanan. He had to beat it into me (not literally) that letting my guard down isn’t a bad thing, that the Force sometimes requires you to let your guard down in order to connect with living things. (Like the Lothcat lesson he tried to teach me on my 15th birthday. Kriff, that was the WORST birthday EVER. But not because of Kanan, just everything that happened afterwards.)
Sorry, I keep getting sidetracked. Like I said/wrote earlier, I think love makes people go stupid in the head. And my head is definately going stupid as I’m remembering all this.
So anyway, I let my guard down, and Kanan must have felt everything I was feeling and thinking because he blinked and this light just came into his eyes, like he KNEW, and he opened his mouth and said “oh” in this really soft voice. Not shocked or angry, but just like he understood. And that was worse than anything. If he had laughed or made a joke and told me to get back to work, that would have been ok. But he didn’t do that. He looked me in the eyes (his eyes are really pretty close up, I don’t know what color that is, but I want Sabine to find out for me and paint everything I own that color) and he smiled. Not his usual smirky kind of smile, like when he’s annoyed with me but also thinks I’m funny. This was the most tender smile I had ever seen on his face.
(Did I ever mention how much I love his smiles? Because I do. I could live off of one for a million years, like it’s the sun and I’m a solar battery. Powered up for the next 283,750,217 years.)
And then he just went back to putting gel on his chest. By then my hands were shaking so bad I almost couldn’t open the next sterile swab. My heart was pounding so loud and so hard I’m surprised he couldn’t hear it. Maybe he did and just ignored it. What else would he have done?
We finished patching him up in total silence and then he laid down to take a nap (can you believe it? A NAP, like he’s 90 years old……wait, maybe he wasn’t napping. Maybe he was meditating. He was laying across the seats with his hands folded over his stomach and he didn’t snore, so maybe he WAS meditating. KRIFF, I DON’T KNOW) and I was just like…left sitting there. So I went up and sat in the pilot’s seat and stared out at hyperspace, trying NOT to think about what just happened. I guess I fell asleep in the seat because the next thing I knew, Kanan was shaking my shoulder and telling me we had came come out of hyperspace and it was time for him to take us home. So I got up and sat in the back while he flew us back to the Ghost.
And that’s what happened. Everything has been wierdly normal since then, if that even makes sense. But that moment between us yesterday, I can’t stop thinking about it. How much does he know? How much did he see when I let my guard down? Does he feel the same way, or does he think I’m just some stupid kid with a crush? I don’t wanna mess up our relationship, our master-padawan bond we have in the force. But I want……I want something MORE than this. I feel like if I just sit here and hold it in all bottled up that someday it’s gonna explode and I’m gonna do something REALLY, TRULY stupid. Like try to kiss him and get pushed away, and I don’t know how/if I would ever recover from something like that. Because this ISN’T a crush. I KNOW IT ISN’T.
I love Kanan. I love my master. I DO want to kiss him and sleep with him (someday. I think about that alot actually). I’m drawn to him. We were meant to find each other and we were meant to be together, I truly believe that, otherwise the Force never would have led us to each other. And it brought us together for a reason. I dunno if that reason is friendship or love or something else, but
Ezra jolts and scrambles, shoving his journal underneath his pillow. Kanan appears in the doorway of his cabin. He peers up at the breathless, bug-eyed teenager on the top bunk and casually leans on the doorframe.
“Hey. Sorry. Am I disturbing you?”
“What? No. No, I was just, um. Reading.”
Kanan smiles. “Reading? That’s good.”
Ezra gulps. He doesn’t believe me at all and please please God don’t ask what I was reading.
But the kind, patient look never falters. “I was wondering if you wanted to go up topside and meditate with me.”
Right. Meditate. He knows and he wants to get to the bottom of things. Kriff, how can I tell him no without—
“But I can see you’re already settled in for the night, so maybe some other time.” Kanan raises his eyebrows hopefully.
Relief washes through Ezra like water over a scalded wound. “S-sure,” he says shakily. “Some other time would be good.”
“Okay.” Kanan pushes himself off the doorframe. “Don’t stay up too late.” He winks and vanishes down the corridor.
Ezra sighs again, this time with his whole body. He drops his face onto his pillow and lies prostrate on his bunk, holding his breath, pretending he’s dead from embarrassment. It wouldn’t be that far from the truth, really.
When his lungs begin to burn for oxygen, he raises his head and heaves a massive sigh that ruffles his fringe. He digs his journal—an unruled, spiral-bound artists’ notebook that Sabine gave to him, now personalized with doodles and warnings to KEEP OUT, CONFIDENTIAL—out from underneath his pillow. He flips through the pages to find his most recent entry.
Most people would probably laugh at him for using paper and pen. Old fashioned, they’d say. Quaint. But this is what he’s used to. He didn’t have a datapad when he was young and orphaned, and something about moving your hand across the page and leaving your thoughts behind is really kind of therapeutic. Like you’re recording the day, whether it was great or terrible, down into something that can be shut and tucked away, and you can fall asleep knowing that tomorrow is a clean blank sheet.
Sometimes Ezra thinks keeping a journal was the only thing that kept him from dying of despair all those years ago.
He reads through what he’s already written, lingering on the scene in the Phantom and daydreaming about what-ifs until his belly is warm and he’s relaxed again. He’s back in his “zone” now. He picks up his pen and holds it above the last line.
I dunno if that reason is friendship or love or something else, but
He tilts his head and stares at the bulkhead in front of him for several moments, plumbing into the deepest chambers of his heart for the right words. Meditating. At last he finds what he’s looking for and begins to write. His pen scrapes softly on the paper.
I DO know that if anything happens between us, it’s because it was meant to happen.
He pauses and stares, pen poised to write more. It can’t be that simple, can it? Surely there’s something else to be added behind it.
“If anything happens between us, it’s because it was meant to happen,” Ezra murmurs under his breath. “Huh. Sounds like something Kanan would say.”
He goes suddenly, absolutely still.
It is something Kanan would say.
Oh. Oh, kriff. Was he reaching inside himself to find those words just now, or was he reaching into… someone else ?
He slaps his journal closed before he can dwell on it further. No more for today. It’s late. He needs to try to get to sleep before Zeb lumbers in here and collapses onto the bottom bunk and starts snoring. For some reason Ezra can sleep through the snoring if he’s already asleep, but he can’t fall asleep listening to it.
He lifts the corner of his mattress and carefully stuffs the notebook back into its hiding place. He settles into his bunk once more, pulls the covers over himself, and curls up on his side facing the bulkhead. He stares at it for a few seconds, then sighs and closes his eyes.
Tomorrow is a blank sheet. Don’t worry about what’s going to be written on it yet.