Story Notes:Originally published in 2000. Lyrics from "Mr Wonderful" by Peggy lee.
Duo ripped open the plastic bag of lentils, and the tiny beans flew all over the counter. He threw back his head and roared, causing Wufei and Trowa to draw back in fear.
“GODDAMN THIS...! THIS GODDAMN BAG!” he screamed, and threw it to the floor and jumped up and down on it, stomping it to a pulp. Unfortunately, he slipped on the beans and went crashing down onto the floor, knocking his head into the dishwasher and leaving a dent.
Wufei turned around to hide his laughter. Duo sat up, clutching his head, and screeched at the top of his lungs,
“GODDAMMIT GODDAMMIT GODDAMMIT!!!”
Then he started to cry. Heero walked into the kitchen, drawn by the row. He saw Duo sitting on the floor sobbing, Wufei trying his hardest not to laugh, and Trowa standing there with his usual expressionless look. Heero figured Trowa wouldn’t even change his face if he told him he was impregnated with an alien’s offspring.
Duo suddenly turned and saw Heero standing in the doorway. He shut up instantly and crawled from the floor. He slipped on more beans and fell back down...in front of Heero, humiliating himself.
“I-I seem to be gravitationally challenged,” he stammered, blushing in his shame. Heero did the impossible and smiled.
“Hello to you, too.”
Duo’s heart pounded, and Wufei and Trowa exchanged a questioning look.
“Do you think he’s...” Wufei whispered.
“Ass over teakettle? Most definitely,” Trowa replied softly.
Why this feeling? Why this glow?
Why the thrill when you say hello?
Heero walked over and looked at the beans on the floor.
“Dinner?” he inquired. Duo nodded sheepishly.
“A sad attempt,” he said. “I guess I just can’t cook.”
“No, you can cook. Anyone can cook. Even I can cook. You’re just culinarily retarded.”
Duo blinked in surprise.
“Well! Excuuuuse my retardedness, Mister-” he fumbled for words. “-Wonderful!”
He crossed his arms and looked the other way. Heero sighed and shook his head.
“I didn’t mean to insult you,” he said. “Here, I’ll even give you a free cooking lesson.”
Wufei nudged Trowa with his elbow and hissed, “Uh oh! Uh OH!”
Duo’s heart skipped a beat. “Really?”
Heero nodded. “Yeah. Where’s the cookbook? We’ll start with something simple first...”
“I don’t know about you,” Trowa muttered. “But if Heero can make Duo cook something, I’d like to say I was here to witness the miracle.”
And he and Wufei sat down at the kitchen table, an audience to Chef Heero’s ‘Cooking with the Culinary Catastrophe’ starring Duo the Dreaded Dimwitted Dunce. Heero pulled a few ingredients out of the cabinets while Duo watched, a studious pupil. Quatre walked into the kitchen and Trowa motioned for him to sit down. He did so, and asked,
“What’s going on?”
“Shh. The show’s about to start.”
“What show? This doesn’t look like a show. It’s just Heero and Duo-”
“But Heero is going to teach Duo how to cook,” Trowa explained, and Quatre’s eyes went wide.
“Hot damn,” he muttered. “I thought I was going to have to be the one...”
“Okay. Something simple...” Heero began. “Not crêpes suzette; I don’t have a fire hose nearby. Not roasted goose; I don’t think Quatre would approve of us abducting his swans. Hm.”
Heero turned the page, and Duo leaned over his shoulder to look.
“Certainly not sushi...or meatloaf...” he looked up from the cookbook. “Quatre? Do you have any clams?”
Quatre nodded. “The cooks just bought some today. They’re in the fridge.”
Heero turned to Duo.
“Want to make clam chowder?”
Duo nodded enthusiastically. Heero glanced down at the cookbook again.
“Quatre, do you have any mushrooms?”
“Good. I like mushrooms.”
He turned to Duo. “This is your chowder, and you can cook it any way you want. Do you like mushrooms?”
Duo nodded again. “Sure. I love eating fungus.”
Heero laughed out loud, and the three people at the kitchen table gawked.
“Did Heero just laugh?” Wufei murmured.
Quatre and Trowa nodded.
“My God,” he stated, looking at his watch. “It’s Armageddon already?”
It’s a strange and tender magic you do
Mister Wonderful, that’s you...
Heero quickly quieted down and held the cookbook like a preacher holds his bible.
“Okay, I’m going to read the ingredients, and you get them. Ready?”
“Wash your hands and get an apron.”
Duo made a sour face. “An apron? But the only one around is Quatre’s, and it’s girly!”
“You want to protect your clothes.”
“It’s pink, Heero! And it’s got ruffles!”
“Pink, schmink, Duo! Put it on... and don’t forget to wash your hands.”
Grumbling, Duo did as he was told, and a few moments later he was ready to begin.
“One cup mushrooms.”
Duo ran to the fridge and got the mushrooms.
He reached for a knife, put the mushrooms on a cutting board and chopped them into little chunks.
“One cup chopped onion,” he said.
“O-okay,” Duo replied in a trembling voice. Heero always unnerved him when he spoke.
Duo grabbed an onion, peeled the skin and began to chop. Tears rolled down his cheeks and Heero watched intently. He reached over and touched Duo’s face, gently wiping the tears away with his thumb. Duo looked up in surprise, and they shared a brief moment. Then, Heero made an uncomfortable coughing sound in his throat and drew away, reading out again.
“One cup diced carrots...”
Why this trembling when you speak
Why this joy when you touch my cheek?
Duo could still feel his face burn from Heero’s touch. The audience watched in rapt fascination as Heero ordered Duo around, until all the ingredients were ready.
“Okay, on to the cooking part,” Heero said, sitting on a nearby stool out of Duo’s way. “Heat oil in saucepan and sauté mushrooms...”
Duo held up two pans. “Which one?”
“The saucepan, not the frying pan.”
Duo’s face was blank. “Which one?” he repeated.
Heero sighed. “The one you’re holding.”
“Use your head, Duo!” Heero groaned.
Heero looked up to see a grin spread over Duo’s face, and Duo saw a blush spread over Heero’s. He chuckled.
“I’m just fucking with you, Heero,” he laughed, then stopped short, realising what a double entendre he just spoke.
“Er, uhh...not-not really. I mean. I’m-I’m just pulling your chain-doh! I mean! I’m just screwing with your head-EEP!! I’m-! I mean-!”
The audience laughed. Heero’s face was the hue of the reddest tomato in the garden, and he looked away, blinking rapidly.
“I mean-! I’m sorry, Heero. I know what a saucepan is. Can we continue?”
Heero nodded, and he read out the instructions in a voice normally too high for him. Duo noticed his discomfort and vowed to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the evening.
Meanwhile, the audience exchanged all-knowing expressions and winked omnipotently. They could see the spell Duo was weaving on Heero. Hell, with the goods Heero was packing, you could see it from a mile away. It was like a vertical Golden Gate Bridge for Pete’s sake-ahem. Out of Heero’s pants and into the fire- I-I mean!
Duo glanced over at Heero now and again, and then back to his cooking.
I must tell you what my heart knows is true
Mister Wonderful, that’s you...
He closed his eyes and broke his vow.
“How do I know when it’s done?”
Heero flipped through the pages before sighing.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t say.”
“Will....will you come look and tell me if it’s done?”
Heero didn’t move for a little while. Then, he got up slowly and walked across the kitchen, approaching Duo from behind. Duo gulped as Heero leaned waaaaayy over his shoulder and glanced into the saucepan.
“I’d say a few more minutes. They’re still....raw.”
Duo inhaled nervously, feeling Heero’s body heat radiating onto his. Heero reached over his shoulder and turned the heat down.
“Best to let it...simmer now...”
Heero drew his hand back slowly, brushing Duo’s shoulder and all the way down his back...to his hip...around his waist...
He couldn’t believe it. Heero was holding him. He put a lid on the pan and stepped back into Heero, who wrapped his arms around his waist and sighed contentedly.
The audience stared.
“Oh. My. God,” Wufei breathed. “If my nose decides to bleed, it’s gonna be a gusher.”
And why this longing to know your charms
To spend forever here in your arms...
Duo twisted around so that he faced Heero. Heero blinked at him oddly, as if surprised by his own actions. Duo placed his hands on Heero’s chest and slid them up, over his shoulders, wrapping them around his neck and pulling himself closer.
Their faces were inches apart, and closing. Closer, closer...Duo could feel Heero’s hot breath on his lips, and he parted them expectantly. Heero slowly closed his eyes and touched his lips to Duo’s...a kiss. His first kiss.
The audience woo-hooed.
Duo wanted to tell Heero. He wanted to explain, but he didn’t know how. It didn’t matter anyway. All that mattered was that he was kissing Heero, or vice versa, and that it was like a dream come true.
Oh there’s much more I could say
But the words keep slipping away...
Heero grabbed Duo’s waist and picked him up, sitting him on the counter. Duo wrapped his legs around Heero’s body while Heero fought to remove the apron and succeeded, tossing the ridiculous thing onto the floor. The kisses became more urgent, needy.
Heero wrestled his shirt off while Duo unbuttoned his.
“My, my!” Quatre exclaimed, sweating a little. “Is it getting hot in here? I think it’s getting hot in here. Wouldn’t you say it was hot in here, Trowa?”
Trowa the deadpan stared at Quatre, licked his lips, and jumped on Quatre, pulling him under the table. Wufei sighed.
“I need a boyfriend,” he said glumly.
“Well, there’s two down here waitin’ for ya!” Trowa said from under the table.
“Really?” he asked.
“Absolutely. The more, the merrier I say. Quatre?”
“Oh, yes indeed. Why don’t you join us, Wufei?”
He grinned brightly. “Don’t mind if I do!”
And he disappeared under the table. Moments later, his clothes, along with Quatre and Trowa’s, flew into the air.
Heero forced Duo all the way onto the counter and unbuttoned his pants and his own while he was at it. He looked around desperately. There had to be something, anything he could use for-
A thought came to him and he reluctantly broke away, ripping open the fridge door, grabbing a jar and returning to Duo. He held up the jar.
“Marmalade?” Duo inquired, then saw the look on Heero’s face. “Marmalade. Hm. Good stuff.”
It didn’t take long for them to completely divest themselves of any clothing that would be a hindrance, and a goodly portion of the marmalade was used as a friction killer -bad friction! Naughty friction!- on each of their now conjuncted body parts.
And I’m left with one point of view
Mister Wonderful, that’s you...
Heero drilled Duo against the counter before they both slid down to the floor. The cold tiles felt good on Duo’s hot back, and he felt himself lose his complete orientation. He could be upside down, spinning in circles and it would make no difference to him.
“Heero...! Unh! HEERO!” he screamed as he felt his hormones explode out of him with all the force of a supernova.
Heero followed suit a few moments later, and it sounded a little like...
“We know your names already!” Wufei shouted from under the table. “You don’t have to repeat them!”
It didn’t matter. They were done, anyway.
One more thing, then I’m through...
Duo crawled groggily to his feet and checked the chowder.
“Heero...I think it’s done.”
“Great,” he groaned, pulling himself up with the counter. He moaned loudly, and kissed the marmalade jar.
“Good boy. You’re my new best friend.”
Duo, striving to catch his breath, muttered, “Heero. You’ve got. To teach me how. To cook more often.”
Wufei stuck his head out from the table cloth and declared happily, “Come and join us three!”
Quatre and Trowa’s heads popped out, hair all messy. “Yeah!” they cheered. “We’re makin’ bacon!”
Duo leaned over and kissed Heero on the cheek, declaring,
“Mister Wonderful, I love you!”