Raspberry Whiplash
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Story Notes:

Originally published in 2000.

~At Trowa’s House-er, apartment. Whatever.~

Trowa walked into the room, dressed in his uniform. Duo caught sight of him and doubled over immediately, trying to stifle his laughter. Trowa got the hint and asked peevishly, “Am I entertaining you?”

Duo made all sorts of sounds in his throat and managed to look up at Trowa teary-eyed.

“Nice shorts,” he commented with a smirk. “You remind me of a Boy Scout, or better yet a UPS man. GAA HA HAA HAAA! Oh-ho! Oh-ho! You kill me! HEEE A HEE HEEEE!”

Trowa scowled. “I will in a minute if you don’t stop laughing.”

“BWAAAA-! HAA HAA HAA!”

“Alright, jackass. That does it. Nobody laughs at my shorts-!”

And he jumped Duo and the two of them rolled off the couch and onto the floor, swearing and swinging punches. Trowa delivered the smack-down to Duo’s face, and bloody chicklets speckled the carpet.

“BITCH!” Duo shouted, blood steaming from his nose. He flipped Trowa over on his back and set to work strangling him. A kick from Trowa’s grand-daddy long legs sent Duo flying into the coffee table, where he ultimately broke his arm, along with the table. He moaned in pain.

On the other side of the front door, Heero paused and listened to the commotion coming from inside with a wide-eyed expression on his face.

“Oh my good God,” he breathed. “I KNOW he is not doing what I think he’s doing...”

The fight wasn’t over. Despite his broken arm, Duo managed to climb aboard Trowa’s back and pin him down with his unbroken arm. Then he decided to bite Trowa. Hard. Trowa shrieked as the sensation of Duo’s rather sharp canines dug into the flesh of his neck... and this was when Heero decided to make his entrance.

Nani?!” he screamed when he saw the compromising position Duo and Trowa were in. I mean, what would you think if you saw two guys wrestling on the floor, one guy on his stomach and the other on top of him, biting his neck? With a bleeding shnaz, no less! All that plus the moans he heard from inside....

Duo caught on and jumped off of Trowa.

“It’s not what you think-!”

“RRRAPE!!” Trowa yelled at the top of his lungs. Heero slammed the door behind him.

“You want the neighbours to hear?!” he ranted.

“Who CARES if they hear? They’re HIS neighbours!” Duo snapped and pointed to Trowa. The lad climbed groggily to his feet.

“And THAT psycho-killer mailman BROKE my fuckin’ ARM!!” Duo finished.

Trowa rubbed the back of his neck. His hand was streaked with blood.

“You broke my skin!” he remonstrated. “Watch me die of rabies now!”

“I ain’t got rabies!”

“Yeah, with that rangy tassel of yours, you probably have the mange.”

“You little shit stain-!”

Heero stepped between them, halting them both.

“Alright,” he snarled. “I’ve had it with you two. Trowa, go help Duo with his arm. I’ll bring the car around front so we can take him to the hospital-”

“I don’t wanna go!” Duo shouted. “They’ll give me shots!”

“Life isn’t exactly sugar-coated, Duo,” Heero snapped.

“It’d be great if it were-”

“Look, it wasn’t my fault,” Trowa said defensively. “He was choking me. It was the coffee table’s fault. I was-”

“Trowa, shut up and apologise to Duo,” Heero snapped. Trowa looked at Duo with eyebrows raised, then back at Heero.

“I’m not sorry.”

“Jesus Christ,” Heero lamented, rubbing his forehead. “Alright. Forget the apologies. Now go and help Duo.”

“Why don’t YOU help him and I’LL get the car, hmm?” Trowa suggested.

Exasperated and completely pissed out, Heero could only nod as Trowa left the room to get the car. Duo sank down on the couch, holding his arm gingerly. Heero went into the kitchen, got a cloth and ran it under the faucet for a moment. Then he returned and sat down next to Duo.

“You’re a mess. You’ve got blood all over your face...” he said.

He took Duo’s face in his hands and began to wipe off the crimson streaks.

“OWCH! Not so rough!” he complained. Heero sighed and shook his head. When he had finished, he then turned his attention to Duo’s arm and asked,

“Where is it broken?”

“Here, I think.”

Duo pointed to his mid-upper arm. Heero assessed the situation and muttered, “It’s settled, then. Duo, take your shirt off.”

“WHA-?!” the lad drew away fearfully. His partner sighed.

“Just do it, baka. Before I knock your lights out and do it.”

Duo let out a meep of displeasure before he began to unbutton his black shirt. He was blushing the whole time. When at last he’d gotten his shirt undone, he peeled it off and rolled up the sleeve on his white undershirt, exposing his arm.

“Hmm,” Dr. Yuy murmured. “Let me see your arm.”

Duo extended his arm painfully, and Heero carefully looked it over. Then, with clinical preciseness, he grasped Duo’s upper arm and set the bone back into place with a big, juicy snap.

Duo’s howls of pain deafened him momentarily. He didn’t have the heart to smash Duo senseless, so he went looking for something to make a splint as Duo sat and cried on the couch.

Trowa pulled up and opened the front door. Heero had decided to use a whole bunch of connected Legos to make a splint for Duo. Trowa put his hands on his hips and demanded,

“Are those my Legos, Duo?”

“I’m just borrowing them,” he sniffed pathetically. Trowa’s heart softened at the sight of Duo’s tears.

“Aw, it’s okay. I wasn’t playing with ‘em anyway.”

Surprisingly, he leaned over and gave the long haired boy a hug.

“I’m sorry for punching you and breaking your arm,” he apologised. Heero stared.

“Does that mean I can use your face as a punching bag when my arm’s healed?”

Trowa pulled away. “Hell no, you crazy fuck. What were you thinking?”

As best he could, Duo grinned and shrugged one shoulder.

“I hate to interrupt, but Duo here needs some medical attention,” Heero said.

“Tch,” Duo huffed. “After what YOU did to me it’s a wonder I’m still-”

“Shut up, Duo.”

“Yes, may I speak to Quatre kudasai?” Heero asked, and snuck a glance at his watch. Half past.

“May I ask who’s calling?”

He sighed impatiently. “Tell him Heero’s on the line long distance and I’ll hang myself if he refuses.”

“One moment.”

And he was put on hold with a click. Heero tapped his foot impatiently. It had taken him and Trowa forever to drag Duo into the hospital, broken arm or not. He still struggled and fought and the doctors had to administer a 10cc tranquilizer to him to calm him down-

“Hello?” Quatre said.

“Quatre? It’s Heero. Trowa and Duo got into some kind of brawl-”

“It wasn’t a brawl!” Trowa shouted from the waiting room. Heero covered the end of the phone and hissed,

“Do you mind? I’m trying to talk to Quatre!”

Quatre?!” Trowa jumped up from his seat and yelled, “HI, QUATRE!!”

Heero heard Quatre laugh on the other end.

“Hi, Trowa,” he said.

“ANYway,” Heero went on. “They got into a fight and Duo broke his-”

The phone was suddenly snatched from his hand by Trowa.

“Hey, punkin’,” he cooed lovingly. This time it was Heero who blushed. Angrily, that is.

“Gimme back the phone! My calling card’s only got a few-”

Trowa’s hand went smack into Heero’s face, holding him back while he continued to gush.

“I’ve missed you so much! When are you coming home? A few days?!”

Passers by stared at the sight of a young man performing his My-Baby’s-Coming-Home-And-I’m-Gonna-Nail-Him-Like-A-Plank dance. One nurse made a phone call to the psychiatric ward.

“WEEEEE!” Trowa squealed in delight. “I’ll make sure to have everything perfect-HEY!”

Heero snatched the phone back and put it to his ear.

“Sorry about that, Quatre, but-”

“Give it back!”

“Get off me!”

Trowa clawed for the phone. Heero had no choice but to hold it above his head and try to push Trowa off of him with his foot.

“Can’t I make a simple PHONE CALL?!” he ranted, and Trowa replied,

“Can’t I talk to my LOVER, for like, TWO SECONDS?!”

“USE YOUR OWN CALLING CARD!”

“I DON’T HAVE ONE!!”

“WELL, TOUGH NUTS, PAL!!”

And he proceeded to beat Trowa over the head with the receiver. Repeatedly. But that didn’t work. Trowa dragged him down to the floor, leaving the phone swinging limply above them.

“LET ME GO!!”

People began to gather and stare at the spectacle they made of themselves. Trowa had Heero by the legs so Heero had to use his arms to drag himself up to the phone.

“Quatre? You still there?”

“What on earth was all that-”

“Nevermind that-HRNN! Get off me, man!”

“Let me talk to him!” Trowa pleaded, but Heero ignored him...as best he could.

“Listen, Duo and Trowa got in a fight and Duo broke his fuckin’ -’scuese my French - arm, so can you get in touch with Wufei and tell him that D-”

Trowa seized a hold of the phone and it got to the point to where they were trying to scream over each other to be heard.

“SO TELL WUFEI DUO IS ALRIG-”

“I LOVE YOU, BABY!!”

“-AND TO....WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR Y-”

“HUGS AND KISSES AND SWEET NOTHINGS-!”

“SHUT UP, TROWA!!”

AI SHITEIRU, MY DEAREST-!”

And then the phone card ran out of time, leaving them with a dial tone buzzing in their ears. Heero turned his head slowly and gazed at Trowa, who was on top of him with his arms around his middle. Heero was hanging from the phone line-literally, but Trowa was so far off in La-La Land it didn’t matter.

“Ahhh, I love you!” he said to Quatre, but Heero took it as an insult and shoved Trowa off of him, and angrily stood up. People were staring at the two young men oddly. Heero decided to explain.

“It was his boyfriend.”

Several people blushed offensively and dragged their giggling children away from the nasty creature while others simply nodded and walked away. When everyone had left, Heero gazed back into the waiting room....where everyone was sitting as far away from Trowa as possible.

“Well, I got one piece of good news, Trowa,” he muttered as he sat down next to his drooling friend.

“Quatre’s gonna be coming home sooner that expected. He wants to see Duo and he’ll bring Wufe-”

Trowa jumped up in his chair and screamed as loud as he could,

“MY BABY’S COMING HOOOOOOOOOMMMEEE! YES! YES!”

And he did his Ace Ventura impression ( you know which one I mean! ) that made Heero want to crawl under a rug and die. There was no stopping Trowa. It had been months since he and Quatre had been together and Heero was surprised they had lasted that long. I guess phone sex is no substitute for the real thing.

The doctor leaned over Duo, now endowed with a cast, and murmured in a calm voice,

“Whoever set this bone did an excellent job. Who did it?”

“A friend ‘a mine,” Duo groaned. The doctor looked momentarily surprised.

“Did it hurt at all?”

What a stupid question.

“Like HELL, Doc. It hurt less when I broke it! How long’s it gonna take for it to heal?”

The doctor thought a moment. “Eight to ten weeks.”

Duo sat up in shock. “Say WHAT?! I’m a man with a mission-uhm. A-a mission to ah....”

Bring peace to the world and colonies? Halt the spread of tyrannies and absolute power? Yeah, he’d really believe that.

“...a mission down in Chekobakaschlahemia,” he finished nervously. “I, uhh...I’m a priest.”

The doctor stared, then reached out a hand and rested it on Duo’s shoulder.

“Sure you are, kid.”

Heero burst into the room and slammed the door behind him.

“Duo! You’ve got to save me from Trowa! He’s doing the Watusi on the...”

He trailed off and stared at Duo.

“...on the...uhm...”

Duo wondered why Heero was staring at him like that...then he realised his shirt was off. He crossed his arms and tried to hide his angrily blushing cheeks.

“On the what, Heero?” he snapped.

Heero just couldn’t seem to tear his eyes from Duo’s body. He was staring and he knew he was. Gawking. Like Duo was a piece of meat. Summoning his effort, he closed his eyes and blurted,

“Onthecounterinthemainlobby,” he said quickly, then let out a huge sigh.

Duo glared coldly at Heero, who tried to hide his embarrassment. The doctor coughed uncomfortably,

“Well...I’ll leave you two alone now.”

Duo shot a desperate look at the departing doctor, as if to say don’t leave me alone with this guy!

But it was too late. Heero got out of the way and let the doctor leave. He closed the door behind him.

Heero turned to gaze oddly at Duo, who’s reply was a lethal look. He hopped down off the examining table and proceeded to pull his shirt back on.

“You stare like a vulture, y’ know that, Heero?” he said icily, and Heero felt himself shrink. Duo finished adjusting his collar and put on the sling the doctor had instructed him to wear.

“C’mon. Let’s go,” he said. Then he began to walk towards the door. He gripped the door handle and stopped. Duo turned around and regarded Heero silently, then broke into a grin.

“You wanna sign my cast?” he asked.

Heero looked up, surprised at his friend’s sudden moodswing. Gulping down his nervousness, he replied,

“S-sure. I’d really like that.”

“I can’t believe I’m having company over in this mess,” Heero muttered, looking around at the small living room. Duo, who was sitting on the couch, gave the room a glance and said,

“Looks fine to me. You should see MY place. I got dirty dishes piled up to the ceiling and laundry that hasn’t been done since Christmas.”

Heero flopped down in the recliner. “I can imagine that. You wear the same thing over and over.”

“What? This?”

Duo looked down at his black jodhpurs complete with a matching shirt and collar.

“Well, you obviously just can’t bear to part with that awful green tanktop of yours, and don’t even get me started on the spandex!”

Duo pouted. Heero said,

“Did I offend you in some way, Duo?”

“No,” he replied, looking at his cast forlornly. Heero hadn’t signed it yet. They sat in silence. Trowa meanwhile, was bustling around the kitchen. He paused to stick his head out the door and yell to Heero,

“YOU NEED A BIGGER TABLE!”

“You need a smaller mouth,” Heero muttered under his breath.

Trowa went back to his kitchen preparations. He was attempting to make a meatloaf, but if it tasted anything like it smelled, Duo and Heero would sooner eat the tyres off Heero’s car. The rest of the meal would consist of anything Trowa could find in the cupboards. No luck there. Heero didn’t seem to eat much, and what he did have consisted of some instant rice, plain ramen and a bag of frozen peas. Yummy.

Duo and Heero sat in an uncomfortable silence for what seemed like an eternity. Then there came a knock at the door. As Heero stood up, Trowa plowed over him like a lawnmower in his eagerness to answer it. He slammed it open and dented the wall, breaking the hinges in the process. A blushing Quatre was standing there with Wufei at his side.

“Hey,” he said softly, and Trowa scooped the boy into his arms and spun him around in circles. Quatre laughed as Wufei walked past them in disgust. He walked into the living room and saw Duo and Heero sitting on the furniture.

“Dammit, Maxwell. You just HAD to go a break your stupid arm at a time like this...You know what this means with those two around? INSOMNIA! How long do I have to-”

“OH SHIT!”

Trowa’s scream pierced the air and he ran into the kitchen. Quatre followed him. Wufei, Heero and Duo stared as the door flapped back and forth on it’s hinges. Then they heard Trowa’s voice say,

“Damn. It burned. And I had a nice meatloaf dinner planned out. I’m sorry, Quatre...”

The three sneaked to the door and stared though the crack. Trowa had his back to them. They saw Quatre smile warmly.

“That’s alright, Trow,” he said shyly. “I wasn’t fond of meatloaf anyway.”

Then they saw Trowa bend down and kiss -and I mean kiss- Quatre. The three spies went goggle-eyed and Duo’s cast got caught on Wufei’s ponytail. He pulled back and Wufei let out a roar. All three came toppling through the door and Quatre and Trowa broke their kiss in shock.

“Shit! Mother fuckin’-” Wufei cursed repeatedly, and Trowa took the liberty to cover Quatre’s virgin (ha!) ears.

“Were you guys spying on us?” Trowa demanded.

“No!”

“Yes.”

Duo gazed at Heero as if he were a lunatic. Heero shrugged.

“There’s no point in lying to them, is there?”

“Nevermind,” Quatre admonished. “Heero, get a phone book and try to find a take-out Chinese place-”

“Man,” Wufei said warningly. “There’s NO place that can take out a Chinese warrior if he’s-”

“They meant food, Fei,” Duo said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Oh. Never mind then.”

They sat at the table, eating their take-out. Duo tried to keep the conversation alive, but his attempts failed. It got to the point where he was looking around for a radio or something entertaining. He found one sitting on the counter and turned it on. An oldie by Metallica was playing, and he left the station on.

“Been a long time since we’ve all been here like this,” Heero murmured, wielding his chopsticks with talent. “Isn’t it?”

They agreed silently. Wufei was sitting rather squashed next to Quatre, and Trowa and Duo were sitting on the opposite side. Wufei had just stuffed a whole bunch of lo mien into his mouth when he felt someone playing Footsie with him under the table. He glared at Trowa, who was staring at Quatre lovingly.

Looks like Trowa’s about to jizz his pants.This ought to wake that sleaze up!

And he kicked Trowa as hard as he could. Unfortunately, he hit his knee on the table and opened his mouth to scream. Noodles flew all over the kitchen, but mainly all over Quatre. Heero didn’t know what to think. Two people were screaming as loud as they could, clutching their aching shins or knees or anything else that might have been injured.

Duo silently stared as he ate his sweet and sour chicken out of the box with a fork.

“DON’T PLAY FOOTSIE WITH ME!” Wufei yelled.

“IT WASN’T ME!” Trowa lied.

“Then who was it?!”

All eyes settled on Duo. He pointed to Trowa and said,

“He’s lyin’. Don’t listen to him.”

“I am NOT lying!” Trowa objected.

“I believe you, Maxwell. He’s lying.”

“Shit,” Trowa grumped. “I’m sorry, Wufei.”

Wufei muttered something about being sorry as he picked up his box of lo mien and went to watch TV in the living room. Everyone else ended up in the living room after a while.

Wufei flipped through the channels absently, then decided upon Tom and Jerry at length. Trowa held out his hand.

“May I?” he asked politely.

“Sure.”

Wufei handed him the remote. Trowa then slammed it down on his head so hard it knocked the batteries out of it. Then he handed it back to him.

“Thanks. That helped a lot.”

Wufei let out a war cry and began to strangle Trowa. Duo, jammed next to Heero in the recliner, shouted,

“Keep it down over there! I can barely hear the show!”

“Turn it up,” Heero muttered with his mouth full.

“No! Wufei! Please don’t kill him! I need him!” Quatre pleaded for Trowa’s life. When Wufei had mauled Trowa to his satisfaction, he released him and scooted as far away from them on the couch as he could.

“Great. Now you’ve lost the batteries,” he snapped.

“Doesn’t matter,” Trowa said. “I got my payback.”

Quatre tugged on his sleeve. “You mustn’t be so rough, Trowa. They’re your best friends.”

“They’re your only friends,” Wufei muttered.

Quatre smiled and snuggled next to Trowa. He put his arm around Quatre’s shoulder and propped his feet up on the coffee table. Wufei rolled his eyes and growled, scooting farther away and practically ending up on the arm of the couch.

Duo and Heero looked at Trowa and Quatre....then at each other, crammed into one small recliner together.

“What?” Duo asked, wide eyed.

“What do you mean ‘what’?”

“Why’re you lookin’ at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“This!” And Duo did an impression of Heero’s goggle-eyed expression.

“I do not look like that!” Heero objected.

“You do too!” Duo reproached. “You look like one of those bug-eyed goldfish, or-or Billy Joel-”

“Oops,” Heero muttered, slapping the back of Duo’s head. “Reflex.”

Angrily, Duo snapped, “Oops!” and spilled his sweet and sour chicken in Heero’s lap. “Reflex.”

Heero stared at the chicken sitting in his lap and then at Duo, chuckling.

“You obviously wanna die, Maxwell.”

Duo stopped chuckling and glanced at Heero.

“Aren’t you mad?” he asked.

“Do you want me to get mad? And I mean that in the crazy sense.”

Duo shook his head.

“Then get your frickin’ chicken offa me.”

“Okay,” Duo replied, and picked the chicken off of Heero’s lap and ate it. Heero was petrified. And embarrassed.

“Don’t do that!” he shrieked, nerves shot.

“Why? It’s a waste of perfectly good chicken. And besides, you kept it warm.”

Heero’s mouth fell open and he felt his cheeks go up in flames.

“Gaa-! Muh-ahh!” he babbled, watching as Duo picked up another piece of chicken and ate it. From on the couch, Quatre and Trowa snickered.

“What’s so funny?” Duo demanded, mouth full.

“Oh, nothing. Just you two,” Trowa said airily.

Duo gave them his death glare he picked up from Heero...however, it doesn’t intimidate people if you’re wearing a big purple cast and look like a goat chewing cud. Plus he had sweet and sour sauce running down his chin.

Duo went back to eating out of Heero’s lap. By this time, Heero was white as a sheet and shaking like a house on the San Andreas, attempting to get as far away from his own lap as possible. Duo noticed and commented,

“You alright, man? You look strung out.”

Heero could only stammer,

“Will you please.... take your chicken off of me, Duo.”

He shrugged. “Okay.”

And he began to scoop what was left on Heero’s lap into the box, leaving Heero with some lovely red sauce stains right on the crotch of his pants. Duo went back to eating and watching cartoons.

“Mm,” he hummed. “Tastes like blue jeans.”

“GAH-!”

Heero snapped.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

He leapt out of the chair and Duo slumped over sideways, spilling his chicken on the chair. Heero walked hurriedly out of the living room.

“Aw great!” he snapped. “Now it’s gonna taste like a La-Z-Boy!”

Heero slammed the bathroom door shut and pressed his back against it.

“Oh my God, oh my God...” he panted. “What’s wrong with me?”

He went over to the sink and stared at his reflection. He was pale all over, save for his cheeks and ears, which were tomato red. Forcing himself to calm down, he turned on the water and splashed the cold stuff on his face. He looked up at his reflection again.

He was still shaking. He watched his hands grip the sides of the sink tightly, white knuckles trailing streams of water. He closed his eyes and listened to his throbbing heart.

I must be going crazy. Maybe it’s Quatre and Trowa’s fault. No.....no one to blame but myself.

When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to see tears running down his face....or was it just water?

It’s just water, he thought, rubbing the hot salty droplets from his cheeks. Just water and nothing more.

Wufei just could not believe how Quatre and Trowa could stand to make out on the couch while Tom and Jerry were on. When he looked over and saw Trowa and Quatre sucking face and groping each other, he had the sudden urge to vomit. “Move over, Duo!” he cried, getting up and running to the recliner. He jammed himself into the seat.

“OW! Damn, man! I’ve got a broken arm here!”

“You’re fixin’ to have some broken teeth if you don’t SCOOT OVER.”

Duo obeyed, giving Wufei plenty of room. However, it didn’t help. Smacking and slurping sounds greeted their ears, but Duo chose to ignore them. Wufei couldn’t, not with that picture in his mind.

“Maxwell, turn the volume up.”

“Trowa broke the remote, ‘member?”

“Then go and turn it up.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Why, pray tell?”

“Too lazy.”

Wufei watched Duo take a last swig of his beer and then crush the can against his forehead. Then he tossed it on the floor and grabbed another from the six pack ( now missing three ).

“Want one?” he offered. “It’s the good stuff. Heineken.”

“Leave it to the Germans,” Wufei sighed, accepting a can. “Damn, this is cold! Where did you keep this, in the freezer?”

Duo took a slug and nodded. “Just for a while.”

“I didn’t know Heero drank.”

“He doesn’t,” replied Duo. “I made him stop and buy it.”

“Aren’t you underage?” Wufei prodded.

“Yeah. I’m only eighteen, but Heero has a fake ID....speakin’ of Heero, where’d the little blokey run off to, anyway?”

Wufei shrugged. “Damned if I know.”

So they sat crammed in the recliner and drank beer and watched cartoons. Trowa and Quatre still made out on the couch. It made both Wufei and Duo pissed.

“Can’t they get a room?” Duo griped softly. “‘S not like we don’ know....”

It was obvious that Duo was getting a little tipsy, but it didn’t matter. They had finished off the beer a long time ago and were now watching Rocky and Bullwinkle.

“I hate that fuckin’ moose,” Wufei muttered. “I wanna blow his head off.”

Duo nodded. “I jes’ wanna skin that little squirrel and make a wallet out of ‘im.”

“A squirrel skin wallet?”

Duo shrugged. “Why not?”

Then it finally hit him.

“Wooooaaahhhhh,” Duo moaned, crossing his legs.

“What is it?”

“I gotta piss like a mofo, Wufei. Lemme outta this chair.”

“By all means, go,” he replied, and allowed Duo to get up and walk back through the dark living room. A few seconds later and there was a large BAM! followed by a salty curse. Duo had missed the door and walked into the wall.

Jeez, I gotta whiz, he thought frantically as he stepped into the hallway. Now....which door was which? He didn’t care. Nature was screaming bloody murder to him and he opened the first door he came to. Bedroom. He ran across the hall. Extra bedroom. He was really getting worried now. Next door. Closet. One door left! Then it must be-!

He burst through the door and both Heero and Duo screamed out loud.

“Didn’t your mother ever teach you how to KNOCK?!” Heero shouted hysterically. Duo froze, staring at Heero’s red-rimmed eyes. It was obvious that he had been crying.

His bladder momentarily forgotten, Duo asked softly,

“Heero, what’s wrong?”

“Wrong?” Heero snapped. “Nothing’s wrong! It’s just....my hayfever.”

He sniffed and rubbed his nose. “It’s allergy season, y’ know.”

Duo just gazed at Heero emotionlessly.

“You’re not fooling anyone, Heero. Especially me.”

Heero felt his tiny, cold heart leap into his throat and he turned away.

“Just leave me alone. I-”

“Sorry to interrupt your little mid-life crisis here but I have to piss like mad. You mind?”

Obviously not. Heero walked past him and slammed the bathroom door, leaving Duo standing there dumbly.

“Sheesh. Touchy, touchy,” he grouched as he unzipped his fly. A few moments later he sighed in relief and closed his eyes.

“God, I feel so much better.”

How could that stinking son of a bitch leave me with these two?

These were Wufei’s thoughts as he sat in the chair, pretending not to hear the soft moans and sighs that issued from the couch. Finally, his patience snapped and he whirled around in his seat, covering his eyes as he yelled,

“Alright! That’s it! I’ve HAD it! Get a room and take your nasty slobbering elsewhere!”

Then he whirled back around, leaving Quatre and Trowa staring in surprise at the sudden outburst. Trowa shot Quatre a glance.

“I think there’s a spare room in this place. You wanna....?”

Trowa smiled his rarest of smiles and Quatre suppressed a laugh.

“Sounds good to me...!”

And the two jumped off the couch and made a bee line to the bedroom.

Wufei rubbed his temples in anxiety. “Thank GOD,” he whispered.

Duo ran smack-dab into the two lovebirds on his way out of the bathroom. The hall was rather narrow and they had to squeeze by each other.

“Wazzap, you two,” Duo said. “Where you headin’ in such a big rush?”

Quatre blushed and said nothing. Trowa went solid ice and said nothing. Getting the picture, Duo looked down to see their hands clamped together tighter than steel. He sighed.

“You’d better be quiet or I’ll have to barge in on you.”

Quatre broke into a grin. “We promise to be quiet,” and he gave Trowa’s hand a tug.

The bedroom door slammed shut behind them.

“Christ Almighty,” Duo sighed, shaking his head.

He walked out into the living room and asked,

“Wufei, have you seen Heero?”

“Nope.”

Huh. Must be in his room. He went to check it out.

The door wasn’t locked. Turning the knob gently, he opened the door a crack and peeked in. Heero was lying flat out on his bed. The lights were completely off. Duo entered silently and closed the door behind him.

“Don’t turn the lights on,” Heero’s voice startled Duo, who gulped.

“You said you’d like to sign my cast.”

Pause.

“That’s what I’m here for,” he added.

Still no response. He moved quietly toward the bed, and Heero didn’t stir. Duo sat down on the edge of the bed and he still didn’t stir.

Heero was lying on his side with his back to Duo. Was he sleeping? No. Not after what he had seen in the bathroom. He had never imagined ever seeing Heero cry. Whatever it was that was bothering him was serious, and Duo had a hint as to what it could be.

“Heero?”

He reached out and touched his shoulder gently, and he saw Heero shudder and then snap upright like a trap. He could still see the shine on Heero’s face that told of the tears that had spilled against his will. In a voice that was seething and pleading at the same time, Heero hissed,

“What do you want from me, Duo?”

His friend was taken aback.

“I....just want your....signature,” he murmured, staring at Heero’s state. Heero’s face was momentarily lost in confusion. They shared a long silence.

“Alright,” Heero whispered, and reached over on the table for his pen. Duo proceeded to take off his sling to expose his ridiculous purple cast. Heero and Duo shared a look that spoke more than they were willing to tell, and Heero scooted closer to Duo and leaned towards him. Duo braced his arm as the scritch scratch of Heero’s pen went across it.

Duo gulped. Should I?

He watched Heero’s brow wrinkle in concentration as he wrote, and waited for him to finish. When he was done Duo squinted in the dark, trying to make out what it said. Just his name. In Japanese.

Duo looked up forlornly. “Oh,” he said. “Thanks.”

Heero nodded.

Silence.

Heero was staring at the bed, trying to avoid his eyes when Duo’s face was suddenly before his. He was shocked when he felt Duo wrap one arm around his waist and push him down on his back, rendering him incapable of movement. This was exactly what he was crying about, Duo realised, and he slowly went down and met with Heero’s trembling lips.

His breath was warm, soft. Slowly, Duo slid his tongue past Heero’s lips and into his mouth. Heero was about to go into shock from this. Duo slowly drew out of his mouth and turned his head so as to fully immerse himself this time. All he felt was tongue. Hot. Wet. Tongue.

Heero closed his eyes tightly. No! It-it can’t-!

Without thinking, Heero drew his back his hand and slapped it across Duo’s face. Blood spangled the air as Duo let out a cry. Heero instantly regretted his actions and crawled upright.

S-sumimasen, Duo. I didn’t mean to.”

“Christ. That’s twice in one day,” came his muffled reply. When he removed his hands from his face, they were stained in blood. It ran down his upper lip and chin, dripping down onto the sheets.

“Oh shit,” he muttered, wiping the dripping blood from his chin with his sleeve.

Gomen nasai,” Heero repeated. “I didn’t mean to hit you like that.”

“Oh really?” Duo snapped. “Then how do you explain that?”

He pointed to where droplets of blood had flown when Heero had struck him.

“It was an accident!’’ Heero objected. “I was confused. You scared me, Duo. Do you realise that?”

Duo sniffed. “Not half as scared as I was.”

Heero gazed at him with something of awe in his eyes.

“But you were the one who kissed me!” Heero exclaimed.

“Only ‘cause I thought that’s what you were crying about. Hell. ‘ Let’s jump all over Duo’s ass for trying to help a friend in need’,” he said churlishly.

“That was what I was crying about,” Heero said shakily. Duo looked at him as if he were crazy.

“Are-are you....what?”

“I don’t know! I’m so confused!” Heero cried, clutching the sides of his head. “I don’t....I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I feel like....torn between hitting you and kissing you again.”

Duo, blood trickling down his face, blinked once and said,

“I think I’d rather be kissed than hit by you again.”

Their eyes met and there was a silent exchange of words. What’s stopping me? Heero thought. He said he was as scared as I was...we’re not alone in our feelings for each other-I can see that now...but why Duo? Why am I so attracted to another boy? This isn’t right. Why...am I....?

Then he decided to stop asking questions. He would do as his petty and meaningless heart told him, unaware that this was the beginning of the end for the Perfect Soldier as he leaned over and began to lick the blood from Duo’s face.

Duo was shocked by the wet caresses....but it felt good. He closed his eyes and listened to Heero’s heavy breaths. He wrapped his good arm around Heero’s slender body and pulled him closer.

Heero cleaned the blood from Duo’s face, and he gazed at him with something passionate in his blue eyes. He saw Duo lean forward and close his eyes, and Heero accepted the kiss that he knew now not to slap away.

At first, Heero was surprised. It felt odd, but at the same time it felt so right. The boy was so warm while he was so cold. He was tired of being the cold one. He was tired of being the pretender, hiding his feelings under a steel cloak. He was tired of being the soldier, the killer, and most importantly.....the loner. He was tired of being alone. He wanted someone with him. He craved human companionship. He craved the joy of simple things.....but when was life ever simple for me....?

Duo seemed to taste the woe on Heero’s lips, as well as his own blood, and desperately clutched onto him. Heero willingly wrapped his arms around the long haired boy and pushed him down onto the bed. They momentarily broke the kiss.

“If you mean what you mean tonight,” Duo whispered breathlessly. “Then take me, Heero.”

Heero’s response was shock. “But-! Your arm!”

“Believe me, Heero,” came Duo’s cracking voice. “It’s hurting me worse seein’ you so desperate for someone to love.”

He closed his eyes and tears ran from them. “Take me. Do it now.”

Heero stared silently at Duo’s face. “Alright,” he murmured, touching his lips to Duo’s cheek.

Duo laughed through his tears as a thought came to him.

“You don’t happen to have any Vaseline, do you?”

“Yeah. I’ve got some somewhere.”

Duo sighed and sniffed. “That’s gonna make it a lot less painful, then.”

Heero melted into Duo as he began to strip the both of them down. He felt Heero’s rock hard sex jab his pelvis painfully through his jeans, but Duo only inhaled slowly, deeply, and bit his lip. He felt Heero’s hands all over his body- in his hair, running down his chest, brushing against his neck. It made Duo want to clamor and beg.

When the final article of clothing had been peeled off, Duo shivered in the coldness of the room. Heero raised himself slightly and looked at Duo as if to say, are you sure?

Duo closed his eyes and nodded. But he wasn’t prepared for the passionate libido his fellow Gundam pilot. He wasn’t expecting Heero to be so willing to go down on him, taking his flaccid sex into his warm mouth. He wasn’t expecting-! Wasn’t-!

Duo cried out involuntarily and clenched the covers. His knuckles shook and he tossed his head around as he felt Heero’s tongue slide along his length. He could drive a person to insanity with the way he was touching him now.

Heero took him all the way into his mouth and Duo strove to keep from screaming. He succeeded partially, emitting a kind of pleading growl deep in his throat. As Heero drew on Duo’s aching digit more and more, he felt it harden in his mouth and he paused, releasing him.

Duo trembled uncontrollably and fought to breathe. His muscles were taut, as if he was expecting severe pain. Heero gently stroked his face and he opened his eyes.

“Don’t go anywhere,” he whispered. “I’ll be right back.”

He kissed Duo and then pulled his jeans on. Duo pulled the blankets up around his bare body and watched as Heero left the room and disappeared into the darkened hallway.

“Like I’m really gonna go walk the streets naked,” Duo said with a silly smile.

~Once Upon a Comedy Relief...~

There was a knock on the door. Trowa and Quatre were owl-eyed.

“Shit!” Trowa hissed, jumping out of bed.

“Double shit!” Quatre echoed, and the two hastily tried to pull their clothes on.

“One second!” Trowa shouted. “Don’t open the door!”

“For God’s sake,” Quatre muttered to himself as he pulled some boxers on. It took exactly seventeen seconds to get partially clothed. Trowa opened the door a crack.

“Heero?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, scratching his head absently. “I was ah, wondering if I could borrow something from you two.”

Trowa’s eyebrow went up suspiciously. “And just what is that?”

Heero’s eyes darted back and forth in embarrassment. Then he leaned forward and whispered something in Trowa’s ear. Quatre watched as Trowa’s face went from suspicious to all-out shocked.

“Good GOD-!”

“SHHH!” Heero clapped a hand over Trowa’s mouth, cutting off his exclamation. He removed his hand, but nothing could remove the look on Trowa’s face.

“Well! Wha-? Who-who’s it for?”

“That’s none of your business!” Heero snapped.

Trowa leaned on the doorframe and crossed his arms. “Either you tell me or I won’t give it to you.”

Heero looked trapped. He lowered his head and muttered miserably,

“Duo-”

“DUO?! DUO MAXWELL?!” Trowa and Quatre screamed.

“K’SO!” Heero swore, and pushed his way through the door, slamming it behind him. “Oh, naw! It’s the OTHER Duo. Of COURSE it’s Duo Maxwell!”

Quatre turned to Trowa. “That’ll be ten bucks, Trowa.”

Heero was flabbergasted. “You bet money?!”

“Unfortunately,” Trowa said, pulling out his wallet. He handed Quatre a ten dollar bill and stuck his wallet in his back pocket.

“Thank you,” Quatre said pertly.

Heero put aside his flustered emotions for a moment and asked in a calmer tone,

“I told you. Now where is it?”

Trowa walked over to a small bureau and picked up a tube of something.

“Here. Catch.”

He tossed it to Heero, who caught it and read the label. He blushed and stuffed it in his pocket.

“Thanks,” he muttered shyly.

“No prob!” Quatre said happily. “Is this your first time?”

Heero sputtered, “What, fuckin’ not only my best friend but my fellow pilot who happens to be a guy when I haven’t even fucked a girl?”

Trowa shrugged. “There’s a first for everything.”

Heero decided to leave now. As he closed the door behind him he heard Quatre call,

“Be sure to tell us all about it in the morning!”

Heero returned to his room and locked the door. When he looked up, he was surprised to find that Duo had let his hair down and was waiting patiently for his love’s return. He took a breath and strode toward Duo, removing the tube and setting it on the night table. Duo watched his every move.

He paused and glanced to the side, where Duo was gazing up at him with large, dewy eyes. They almost matched the colour of his cast in this light. Heero smiled at the thought. Duo returned his smile. Heero felt a warmth engulf his heart and it suddenly occurred to him how lucky he was to have met a person like Duo Maxwell.

He slowly undid the front of his jeans and stepped out of them. He felt Duo’s eyes on every inch of his body, taking it all in. Heero crawled onto the bed and gently laid Duo back into the pillows. On his hands and knees over Duo, he gazed at him passionately and marveled at how lustful he appeared with his long locks spread over the pillow. Duo reached up with one hand and stroked Heero’s face. Heero turned his head and kissed his palm tenderly. He heard Duo inhale suddenly, as if surprised by the gentleness.

Heero lowered his body onto Duo’s. Chest to chest, heart to heart, face to face they were. Heero closed his eyes and kissed Duo urgently. He ran his tongue down Duo’s neck, and he heard the young man sigh. The hair on the back of his neck prickled, and he went lower on Duo, licking his way down his chest. Duo let out a small moan when Heero drew one hardened nipple into his mouth. Duo clutched the back of Heero’s neck and made him go lower.

Heero grasped and stroked Duo’s thighs as he felt his own sex ache terribly with desire. Thoughts of insanity ran through Heero’s mind and he sucked harshly on Duo’s neck, feeling the life throb under his skin. Duo sighed heavily and drew up his knees. Heero felt Duo’s arousal poke his lower abdomen and he sucked all the harder.

“Mmm...H-Heero.....” Duo murmured dreamily. “Try not to.....leave a mark....”

Heero released Duo’s neck and examined his handiwork.

“Hn. Too late now.”

Duo sighed and closed his eyes. “That does it,” he said and flipped Heero over onto his back. Heero was surprised. Duo was stronger than he looked!

His long-haired cohort said with a mischievous smile, “Allow me.”

He started by running his slender fingers through Heero’s hair. The sensation made him incredibly horny, and he felt a shiver run across his flesh. Duo smiled slightly at his partner’s reaction and trailed his fingers across Heero’s chest, sliding lower. Heero felt his heart rate jump and Duo smiled wider. But it was a nervous smile.

What in God’s good name am I doing? Am I insane?

Too late for second guessing himself now. He went down south on Heero’s body, taking him into his mouth slowly and meticulously. Heero groaned loudly as he felt Duo’s tongue do to him what he did before....tease him and taunt him mercilessly. Just the feel of those soft, supple lips around his aching sex made him mad with delight. His tongue performed the tango on his throbbing member and Heero let go of the covers and ran his hands through Duo’s impossibly long hair.

You’re committing a cardinal sin, Duo, came the conscience he so often ignored. It seemed louder now, harder to ignore. Instead, he tried to concentrate on Heero, who was busy making a rat’s nest out of his chestnut locks.

Alright. Enough was enough. Heero was nearly about to cum, and Duo withdrew himself slowly. Heero looked at him with a heartbroken expression.

“If you want me,” Duo breathed. “You’ll have to come and get me.”

Without wasting a second, Heero sprang atop Duo and the two fell backwards, rattling the creaky old bed terribly. Somewhere in the back of Duo’s mind was the thought that maybe Wufei had heard them and was going to come tearing rip-shit into the room, knocking the door off its hinges....but these thoughts were quickly forgotten as Heero laid waste to Duo’s body with a single stroke.

“Heero,” he whispered hoarsely, and wrapped his legs around Heero’s slender waist. This was when the borrowed tube of KY gel came into play. Heero coated himself in the cold, slick substance. Duo watched in rapt fascination as his lover laid down upon him slightly.

He suddenly felt Heero’s fingers brush against his lower regions, searching for an entrance. He found it at last, sliding one slippery finger into Duo’s body. Duo seized up and bit his lip as Heero added another finger. And yet another.

“Owchie...” Duo whined, and Heero stretched him wider. Duo grasped Heero tightly with his good arm and tried hard not to scream out loud.

Daijobu desu ka?” Heero murmured. Duo nodded, eyes closed. “Alright, then.”

He withdrew his fingers and heard Duo sigh audibly. He lowered himself into position, knowing Duo would be in much pain. Poised, he slowly slid into Duo’s body. He saw Duo’s lavender eyes twitch with torment. He could only imagine the fear Duo saw in his. He pushed further into his lover’s body and Duo let a small cry escape his mouth. Heero quickly silenced him. “We have to be quiet,” he said in a trembling whisper.

“I know,” Duo choked. “But it hurts.”

Baka,” he said fondly, running a hand through Duo’s hair. “Just relax your muscles. It won’t hurt as much. Yakusoku.”

Duo exhaled heavily and tried to relax his muscles. Heero was gentle, almost insufferably. He slowly drew out, then pushed back in. He repeated this several times, until Duo forgot all about the pain and concentrated on the pleasures Heero was bestowing upon him. He thrust his hips against Heero’s, and their pelvic bones cracked together painfully.

Itai!” Heero grimaced in a whisper.

“Sorry,” Duo panted weakly. “Er, uh.....goman. Is that how you say it?”

Gomen.”

“Oh. Heh. Maybe you can teach me to say dirty stuff in Japane-”

“You talk too much for your own good, baka.”

Duo fell silent and Heero grinned. “Much better.”

He kissed Duo tenderly. Without thinking, Duo raised his cast-ridden arm and accidentally bonked Heero in the head.

K’so!” Heero swore. “You trying to kill me or something?”

Duo chuckled. “Omae o korosu, Heero.”

“You asked for it now, Duo.”

They began to wrestle playfully for several minutes, finding an excuse for rough love. Duo enjoyed it almost as much as Heero did, though with a broken arm, it was hard for Duo to win a wrestling match. Not that he let a little thing like losing impend him from being naughty.

The bed creaked and groaned loudly, but neither seemed to hear it. After a while, things settled down and they made love several times. Both Gundam pilots had a violent libido, and were lucky enough to have matched each other equally. After the intense orgasmic delight had faded from their bodies, they collapsed exhausted into each other’s arms and slept the night away.

Wufei was sleeping, or making a sad attempt to do so, out on the living room couch.

“Finally,” he grumbled. “That fuckin’ squeaking was getting on my nerves.”

~ In the jolly AM..... ~

Heero and Duo plodded into the kitchen sleepily. Quatre greeted them cheerily and invited them to breakfast-- leftover Chinese food. Wufei had opted for a cup of coffee in order to keep him awake. His lack of sleep was evident by the tell-tale circles under his eyes. Duo and Heero didn’t look very rested, either. In fact, neither did Trowa. How was it possible for Quatre to have so much energy in the morning?

Duo got his coffee and sat down at the kitchen table.

“Can y’ pass th’ cream, Quat?” he slurred.

“Sure.”

Quatre winked as he passed the container to Duo. Duo blinked oddly. Heero grunted as he collapsed in a chair and stared at his black coffee.

“Can you pass the sugar, dearest?” Trowa asked. Wufei grumbled irritably. Quatre passed the sugar and blew a kiss from across the table, batting his eyelashes in a feminine way.

Trowa stirred his coffee and set the spoon on a napkin.

“So how was the sex with Maxwell last night?” he asked.

Wufei’s eyes bulged and he spat his coffee out with the force of a fire hose. Heero and Duo were aghast.

“OHMIGOD!” Wufei roared. “TELL ME IT ISN’T TRUE!”

Duo and Heero hung their heads and nodded. Wufei’s nose decided to turn on the blood faucets then and the table was instantly soaked.

“JEEEEESUS CRRRRRIST!!” he wailed, pinching his nose shut and trying to blot up the blood at the same time. Trowa chuckled and Quatre gave his lover a dirty look.

“That was mean, Trowa. Look what it did to poor Wufei.”

“Poor Wufei, my ass,” Trowa replied. “He’s probably jealous because Heero and Duo didn’t ask him to join in.”

KISAMA!!” Wufei sputtered.

Duo sighed heavily and watched them bicker.

“What the hell are we gonna do now, Heero? Everybody knows. Doesn’t that make you feel insecure?”

Heero’s hand found his under the table and held it gently. He looked over to see Heero grinning mischievously.

“Frankly my dear,” he said. “I don’t give a fuck.”



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